Writer's Cramps: Dealing with Rejection and Self-Doubt

Sometimes I wonder why I write since I seem to be running into more roadblocks these days. I put many hours into a project even though it might never reach fruition due to someone else's disinterest or rejection. Worse yet, I might never finish the project because I am tired or do not know how to complete it. The obstacles keep mounting whether they are external, such as committee meetings or more papers to grade, or internal, especially self-doubt and inability to commit to ideas. I seldom have writer's block, but I often lack the commitment to do the hard work of editing or revising. 

Writing is a commitment that sometimes feels too much like a compulsion because I often find myself writing when I should be relaxing. I want to write in my free time, but I also want to sleep, watch television, or listen to music. Instead, I try to push through, but my job and other commitments have made it increasingly hard to do so. There are only so many hours in a day is a truism that does not necessarily help when it comes to planning your time. I've heard so many writers claim that you have to spend so many hours a day writing to improve or finish your drafts. This is true, of course, but I assume that many of them do not teach the number of classes I do or have as many other commitments. If they do, they must be superhuman. My compulsion to write keeps me going, but it also pushes me too close to my limits some days. 

To be honest, though, sometimes I write to heal myself just as I am doing right now. I take rejection harder than I should, especially when it comes to writing because I start experiencing imposter syndrome. My years of writing and degrees never seem to assuage these doubts. Yet, writing does help because I use it to organize my thoughts and let it all out. I write to understand myself and my relationships with others. I write to think it out and start to heal. 

I am trying to be thankful for my passion for writing and how it can serve as an outlet. Part of this effort relies on remembering what made me want to write in the first place. It has always been a part of me that connected me to people in my family. Before I could read and write, I would make up stories and tell them to my great grandmother. She encouraged me and would write them down. As an only child, I created stories to map my way in the world and feel part of something bigger. I always wanted to make my mark somehow, and writing seemed to be the easiest route for me, even though it is also one of the hardest because I keep trying to perfect how I present myself to the world through words. I came to writing and storytelling early in life, and it is all I know, but I still struggle to express myself, and I need to remember how much I enjoy it. It should be less a compulsion and more of a reordering of my life. I "do" love writing, but I need to remember how to harness its power to help me understand my life, instead of forcing myself to write because I feel that I have to do so.